


Life Debts and Copyright

by Autumn_Llleaves



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Crossover, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 19:03:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4491150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Autumn_Llleaves/pseuds/Autumn_Llleaves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two business meetings between long-time colleagues...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life Debts and Copyright

**Author's Note:**

> The first meeting is basically canon compliant (if you don't count the very fact it's a crossover), the second... we can only hope.

**Casterly Rock. 282 AC (Westeros calendar), 1990 AD (both wizarding and our calendar)**

"Lord Lucius Malfoy," the servant announced, and the door opened to let the guest inside. The guest in question was a tall man of about thirty-five, with shoulder-length platinum hair and steel grey eyes. If Tywin Lannister hadn't known better, he would have thought the man had Valyrian ancestors. As it was, however, he privately believed Lord Malfoy to be almost a commoner with some good luck and a bit of money, in spite of the fact that in his homeland the Malfoys were one of the richest, most ancient and influential families.

"Good morning to you, Lucius," Tywin smiled. What he thought didn't matter. It was Serious Business. It was Exchange of Money and Precious Metals, and his colleague from another world had proven himself extremely useful on a number of times.

"Good morning, Tywin."

Setting aside his ever-present cane with a silvered handle, Lucius Malfoy sat on the velvet couch.

"What news? Is there any trouble in Gringotts?" Tywin asked worriedly.

"Not at all. It's something worse."

"Have some tea," he suggested, gesturing to the exquisite tea set with an ornament of little golden griffons (a wedding gift from Joanna).

"No, thank you. It is urgent. I have little time."

"Well, what is it? A financial crisis has shaken your family?"

"No, Tywin, not that either. I think I am going to be murdered."

Tywin Lannister whistled. Of course, in a land like Westeros, people were murdered on a daily basis, but usually they didn't speak of it with such certainty. Nor with such self-control.

"When? By whom?"

"A book is going to be written about me," Malfoy said.

"Oh! Congratulations! About me there's going to be one as well!"

"That's  _exactly_ why I've come to you!" letting some of his famed self-control slip, Malfoy stood up and paced the study in excitement. "My author has barely started to think up the plot, she has only imagined my character last evening. But last time I checked her mental drafts (ten minutes ago), she wanted me to get killed by the end. By none other than Harry Potter!"

"Harry Potter?" Tywin repeated. Lucius had told him about the state of things in his world, and Tywin knew whom he was talking about. "I suppose it's an honor – he's a hero, after all.  _I_ am going to be killed by my own son, you know."

"I don't care whether Potter's a hero! Tywin, I need to stay alive, and you have to help me!"

"How? Burst into the book with Ser Ilyn and order him to take Potter's head?"

"I'm not joking," Lucius lowered his voice. "Make sure your author finishes his book first."

"That is no trouble..." Tywin could see where this was heading. His hunch was proven correct – Lucius's voice dropped to a whisper, and the blond man spoke one single word:

" _Copyright!_ "

The Lord of Casterly Rock nodded approvingly. If he only could get his author to publish the book before Malfoy's finished hers, it was quite a good idea.

"Listen," continued Malfoy. "You are going to have a nice big rebellion in a matter of weeks. As far as I recall, your crown prince comes from an ancient dynasty and looks very much like myself. If only you could kill him in a way that would ensure I live..."

Tywin considered it for a while, then his face brightened:

"Lucius, rest assured! Robert Baratheon is mad with Rhaegar for stealing his bride-to-be away. He swears he'll kill the prince himself. The sigil of the Baratheons is a stag, and Robert has a mass of wild black hair... I think that could be enough?"

Malfoy's thin lips spread into a grin:

"More than enough. So, Tywin, I now leave you till I have my next deal with Gringotts. Thank you for your assistance."

"Then I have to ensure, first, that Rhaegar is killed by Robert, second, that the book on me is published first. What do I get?"

At the mention of payment his visitor frowned:

" _We_ don't pay for such things. A life debt can be repaid only with saving another life. Goodbye, Tywin."

Before Tywin could say anything, Lucius Malfoy vanished with a crack. He didn't even wait and discuss possible ways to save Tywin himself!  _But then, probably, they don't have a way. Lucius wouldn't have left a debt unpaid if he could repay at present. He's very like us Lannisters in this sense._

* * *

 

**Malfoy Manor, 300 AC (Westeros calendar), 1994 AD (wizarding calendar), 2000 AD (our calendar)**

"I have to divorce my wife," a voice said at the doorstep. At first Lucius didn't see anyone at all, but when he looked down, his eyes were met by a man only a little taller than a house-elf, with golden hair, dressed in red and gold. The man lacked a nose, and in general looked like a caricature titled  _The Dark Lord in Gryffindor_.

"Erm," Lucius said. "Are you sure you have come to the right house? I am not a lawyer dealing with civil registration."

"I am Tyrion Lannister, and you are Lucius Malfoy who owes us a life debt," the dwarf replied. "If all of the above is correct, I am in the right house."

_Great. Tywin Lannister's son. Does he have any idea how busy I am with the Dark Lord's rebirth?_

"Be welcome," Malfoy managed to say in a strained voice. "And brief, if possible. I have little time. What were you saying?"

"I am stuck with a wife that doesn't love me," said Tyrion. "I would want nothing more than to divorce her."

"What do I care? Divorce all you like."

"I like – but the author doesn't."

Lucius chuckled – the author of books about Westeros was now famous for his cruelty to the characters that rivaled the Dark Lord's treatment of Mudbloods.

"What is he going to do?"

"He wants the pet dragon I am to have a few books later to kill Sandor Clegane," Tyrion explained bitterly. "The only man my wife would want to marry after getting free of me."

"And?"

"I want her to be happy," the dwarf said virtuously. 

"A good intention, no doubt, but I must disappoint you. All books about me and including dragons are written. If you had come a year earlier, I would have figured something out. But this time I am helpless. Now, please, move away before the Dark Lord Apparates here and thinks you're making fun of him, with your looks."

"What's so wrong with my looks, I wonder?" Tyrion asked mockingly.

"You are noseless, and the Dark Lord as well. And he hates red and gold."

Tyrion's eyes lit up:

"But if I am so similar to him... why don't you play to it?"

"Huh," Malfoy said doubtfully. "Of course, the Dark Lord has a pet reptile – though it's only a relatively small snake..."

"A life debt," Tyrion reminded him.

"Fine! What is that Sandor Clegane of yours like?"

"I don't know what my Sansa sees in him," the dwarf confessed. "He's a brutish, drunken warrior, has only one fear, and it is of fire. Hates his brother with passion."

"Hates his brother..." Lucius murmured. "Sirius would qualify, perhaps... our author hasn't yet decided how to kill him... What about the appearance?"

"Half of his face burnt to crisps. Black hair, hooked nose."

"Oh!" said Lucius. "That calls for a different choice... Describe your wife, if you can."

"She's very beautiful," Tyrion said readily. "Very light complexion, because she's a Northerner. Her hair's fire red, and she has the loveliest eyes in King's Landing, no wonder Clegane fell for her..."

When Tyrion mentioned red hair, Lucius smiled, and when the dwarf continued to the loveliest eyes, he nodded vigorously:

"Amazing. You may count yourself lucky."

"Because I'm married to her and not her plain sister?"

"She has a plain sister too? Then, Tyrion, I am going to the Death Eaters' meeting, and you can count your divorce arranged. Sandor Clegane will never, ever, ever die because of _your_ pet reptile. I will speak to the Dark Lord this evening."

"Is it going to be a big sacrifice?"

"No, no, Severus was going to die in one way or other, the author's set on it. He can be killed by the snake just as well."

He actually bowed to shake Tyrion's hand and Disapparated. Tyrion left too, contented and happy for Sansa's future, and not knowing that he had just arranged for an experienced potions teacher to die of a simple snake poison.


End file.
